Right now, my emotional state can be summed up in one word: unstable.
#The work and the people at my current job, wearing me down
#The company scrapping its AI investment plans, and my future going murky with it
#Scanning job postings every single day (anxiety creeping in, self-esteem sinking, worrying about what comes next)
#The rejections that arrive daily and never get any easier..
#Why is it that the only rope ever lowered down to me is a frayed one.. I’ve worked so hard..
#Running a freelance development project end to end, from planning through development to measurement
#Agonizing over branding and marketing for that freelance work, and spending money on it
#One big job, three months of waiting, stuck right at the edge of signing… the client and the vendor
#The youngest member of our family, arriving next year, and the growing weight of responsibility
#Investments that keep bleeding.. three years now of gritting my teeth and refusing to look
Every night before bed,
when I wake at four,
out of nowhere at the office,
suddenly behind the wheel, the feeling that rises is something close to fear.
There’s no running from it.
I have to take every blow with my whole body.
And yet,
when the things that should work out don’t,
and the things that shouldn’t work out don’t either,
I feel the cold floor beneath me again,
and right beside the fear that comes rolling in, another force follows: sheer stubbornness.
I’m at negative a hundred right now. How much harder can it possibly get?
If I’m going to hurt anyway, I might as well try everything.
Have I really given it my all? (healthy self-doubt)
And if, by some chance, everything I’m working on falls apart,
I still have a healthy body. I can earn a living with that, can’t I?
I’ve got what it takes to get back up from bare ground, don’t I?
“I’m always afraid too.”
Even so,
teeth clenched,
(and honestly, good things really do tend to come in a row after the hard ones)
I’m getting through today, once again.
And for that, with all my heart,
I am thankful, I am grateful, and I am proud of myself.
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